No matter if they were abandoned or abused in other ways, they tend to carry their parents’ flaws as if it’s their own, and they measure their value based on how they were treated.

This is because it’s habitual for them to point the finger back at themselves when they lack the understanding as to why they’re being mistreated or why their world is crumbling around them.

Children often ask what they did wrong when the adults around them destroy their world and never properly reassure them that the responsibility belongs to the adults running the show, and not the child participant.

Because children can’t adequately comprehend adult relationship dynamics or behavioral problems, they improperly answer the question that circles their mind: “Was this my fault?”

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What inevitably happens to the child who determines themselves as being the reason for adult dysfunction is that they measure their value as a human being based on their treatment.

In other words, if the people who created them can’t even treat them properly, then maybe they aren’t of significant value.

Every child is deserving of love and a baseline of innocence, but when both are ripped from their grasp, they will enter a developmental territory they are unable to navigate alone.

If I were to use myself as an example, decades of self-reflection and therapy were invested to fully absorb (and believe wholeheartedly) that it was not my fault that my father wasn’t there nor was his absence a determination of my value.

It’s the hardest hurdle to leap over because it’s the oldest and most entrenched narrative about who we are.

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It’s a habitually repetitive narrative that many children have been repeating to themselves quietly and every time they fail at something or life doesn’t go their way, this mantra of their low value gets validated.

This is an internal minefield that is unfair for children to navigate and when they make a misstep, the adults focus on the explosion rather than why there are so many explosives lying at the feet of our children.

I tend to see struggling children responding in one of two ways in how they express it: They either express it internally or externally.

Meaning, they display their frustrations or low self-esteem externally, by punching walls or hurting people, or, they stay incredibly quiet about what ails them because the battlefield is within.

I was more often an internal fighter and even if I expressed traits of being depressed, I would always claim that everything was fine when it wasn’t. I mean, how could they prove otherwise if I’m not doing anything externally?

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The external fighters always get found out but the world punishes them for not being able to handle the world their parent or parents created for them. Their hopelessness is on full display in the most anti-social ways possible, but we lament the symptom and not the root problem.

Beyond having parents be accountable for their failures, it’s important to rewrite the script of this child’s internal dialogue.

We must stare in the face of forgotten and mistreated children and verbalize that they are not responsible for their parents’ shortcomings.

They are of value because they are made in the image of God and this value is innate for every child brought into this world.

But there is to be a strong emphasis with understanding that their value doesn’t increase or decrease depending on someone else’s negligence.

Express sorrow for them being born into an unfortunate circumstance but remind them that where they start in the race doesn’t need to determine how they finish.

And explain to them that just because someone important in your life doesn’t love you doesn’t mean you should be equally loveless to yourself.

I was able to move forward when I completely understood that my father didn’t love me, not because I am less than, but because he chose not to.

My life excelled when I recognized how many people do care for me and that fixating on the negligence of one man, my father, made me negligent in appreciation for what love I did receive.

Your parent(s) may have failed you but you don’t need to fail yourself.

Refer a friend

All of your decisions in life suddenly become rooted in distracting yourself from ever encountering anything remotely close to what scares you from your past.

You convince yourself that you're not strong enough to envision these moments again, so you do everything possible to not think about them.

In extreme circumstances, the pain appears to be so severe that you turn to ever increasingly harmful substances to distance yourself from what you fear from years ago.

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These people are just as addicted to alcohol or drugs as they are addicted to avoidance.

And these issues that you may refuse to face don't just stop as memories. Instead, those memories become seeds planted that spread into every aspect of your life.

The more traumatic the event, the more hyper-vigilant, paranoid, or insecure you might become. Because you've never resolved that issue, it becomes habitual to the point of you believing acting irrational is a personality trait instead of a sign of untreated wounds.

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It's like having a hairline fractured leg and thinking that walking with a limp is uniquely your walking style. No matter how painful every step is, you've accepted that walking includes a bit of suffering.

I've had points in my life where I've stuffed uncomfortable memories so deep away that I've forgotten about them until someone brings them up.

One particular time, my sister reminded me in a phone conversation about when I was in a mental hospital, and I had a rush of emotions and tears as all of the most uncomfortable memories came to the surface like a sunken ship attached to a massive flotation device in the ocean.

What I've learned is that operating based on fear and choosing to avoid uncomfortable memories only prolongs your suffering.

What makes you stronger is what you face head-on, and no matter how far you run from them, they're always attached to you and leeching off of your progress.

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It's like a cement block chained to your ankle: Although you feel you've mastered walking with it anchored to you, you could go so much farther when you finally acknowledge that it's holding you back.

Looking at my problems dead in the eyes has only made me a stronger, healthier, and happier individual. Years of anxiety worrying about things that aren't that big of a deal or never happened only made me more reclusive.

Today, I have a general philosophy that I refuse to make decisions based on fear. I accept that sometimes things don't work out in your favor, but many times they do. But one thing that is clear: Saying "no" to everything because you're scared will only hinder your progress.

The only reason I'm able to talk about some of the most painful memories of my childhood and share them with the world is because I'm no longer afraid of them. They're not a point of shame for me; actually, I see them as an area of strength.

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Despite everything I endured, I'm still here today and thriving. My inner dialogue states that if I can survive those moments, I can handle anything that comes my way. Not every painful experience is purposeless; it's all perspective.

I've chosen to use my flaws to help others avoid going down the downtrodden path I had. My mistakes are even life lessons for my son so he can make better decisions, which to me seems like a worthy sacrifice.

Whether it's your fear of rejection because you were rejected earlier in your life or a fear of the unknown because something or someone new in your life harmed you, those feelings will only spread if you don't address them.

Insecurity and fear are cancerous, and they will spread into every aspect of your life if you don't address it. You can pretend you're not sick all you want, but it won't change how your health is deteriorating.

Refer a friend

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