Cloud of Negativity: Why I Temporarily Disconnected from Twitter

“Coon”

“Cuck”

“Nigger”

“You should be embarrassed”

“How much did those white boys pay you?”

The list goes on. These were all messages I’ve received in the past week.

These types of messages I’m sort of used to but in a more spread-out fashion. It could be completely random or in response to an article I wrote.

For the most part, the interactions I have with people are overwhelmingly positive but this past week has been different for me. As someone who is public and talks about culture & politics, I expect to hear from people who don’t like what I’m saying but I’m still a human being.

I understand how we are wired to remember the negative and it doesn’t matter if you get 100 praises, that 1 negative comment that you read will stick in your brain. I learned a long time ago to not read comments on my articles and interviews because even if most of the people like what I said, that one negative comment will be cemented in my head.

Last week, Elon Musk replied to a video I shared on Twitter and that kind of attention brings a flurry of all types of people. Elon’s reply brought racists into my DMs sending me images of the Nazi Sig-Heil and calling me a nigger. It brought people calling me a coon and one person even called me a piece of shit.

Elon’s reply also got the attention of the activists who I shared a video of attempting to tag me on Instagram.

My Newsweek article appeared to be mostly positive in its response but it also brought people who wanted to argue with me about my stance, something I have very interest in doing.

My NY Post article upset some Trump supporters for giving the perspective of someone who is a swing voter / independent but I dared to be critical of him as a candidate yet they overlooked how I was equally critical of Joe Biden.

Generally, on social media, after 24 hours people forget about whatever happened and it just disappears into the ether but for me, it’s been a week of constant nonsense that has been eating at me. It has made me more annoyed and agitated rather than my normal state of being calm and measured.

All of this has made me feel like someone else and I don’t like this feeling.

This internal transformation even affected some of my activity on Twitter as I became easily agitated, ready to attack and mock. In one situation, I mocked someone who I didn’t know was struggling with an illness stemming from COVID. Once I learned of this situation from them, I deleted the tweet.

That moment weighed on my conscience because my intention is never to hurt innocent people. Why did I engage in this behavior? This isn’t my normal behavior. I knew after that moment that something was wrong with me. The following day, I would get extremely agitated by people who were overreacting to a statement I made but instead of letting it go, it stuck in my head.

I got off the computer and was talking to my friend on the phone and I heard half of what she said. She could hear in my voice that I wasn’t all there. It was then that I knew that I needed to disconnect and recalibrate.

I’ve been very fortunate to become friends with wonderfully brilliant and interesting people, one of which is a Theologian that lives in the Netherlands. I called her today to talk to her and get a biblical sense of what I’m experiencing. I felt like I needed some form of guidance to move forward and she did not disappoint.

To summarize: I need to get back to what’s important and focus on my purpose. We’re living in a time where there are people who live in a state of high emotion and reactive behavior and they have no desire to hear logic and reason.

As long as I’m doing the right thing and staying on my purpose, the noise should not bother me and I believe recently I have been straying away from my purpose and it’s been attracting negativity.

I’ve also been overly distracted by Twitter which has prevented me from writing more than I should. I need to get back to doing what matters and not what attracts eyeballs. You all follow me because of my writing talent and message, not because of my occasional Twitter snark that ultimately benefits no one.

This temporary disconnect from Twitter is something I need in order to mentally recalibrate. I did send a heartfelt apology to the person I hurt because it’s never my intention to hurt people who are already suffering.

It’s time for me to get back to speaking up for the people who aren’t being heard. It’s time for me to get back to my purpose. So, I disconnected from Twitter for the time being until I figure out a strategy that will keep me sane on there and until I can completely clear my head.

I want to use Twitter instead of letting Twitter use me.