I Hate Being In the "Black Conservative" Box

"You're only saying that for white conservative approval"

Being black & even moderately conservative places you in a box filled with false narratives about your motivations & constantly fighting against positions you never personally made.

It's an uphill battle for your own voice because all people hear are the voices of other prominent black conservatives or the voice in their head based on the avatar they've mentally constructed.

Even the term "black conservative" is a box constructed for uniform thought as it's assumed we all think the same way and have the same perspectives on everything. Some enjoy living in this box but I don't.

One of the reasons I wrote my book "Black Victim To Black Victor" was because I wanted to have my own voice against narratives I completely disagreed with but also have a different approach that was different from the people I agreed with as well.

I wrote it in a way that is critical but compassionate and in the end unifying. I care very much about black people and don't appreciate the approach by some people on both sides with how they discuss race.

I don't appreciate the fear narratives created by the media & the tactics of manipulation that are used to get an emotional response from black people. I am constantly defending black people when I write. However, because I fit in this black conservative box, I must hate myself.

Because I choose to unify with people and find commonality with people who don't look like me, I just want to be white? I've spent years being severely depressed but not even in my darkest hour did I hate my skin complexion.

Recently someone said this about me (to paraphrase):

"If he told the truth he would lose his white audience"

This statement implies that I have no integrity and that I spend hours upon hours writing things I don't even believe.

It's this belief that we only say or believe things for someone else's affirmation. We risk ostracization and public ridicule just for a supposed white stranger's virtual high-five. Even in the midst of them reading something where I am defending black Americans, it's not enough.

The "white audience" narrative is laughable to me as well. The majority of BLM activists are white. Hell, the majority of Hip-Hop consumers are non-black. There is a white audience in virtually everything in America, so why is it only relevant to my assumed audience?

Everything we do is assumed to be performative rather than expressive. Let money enter the equation and it's because you're being paid to say these things. It could never be that you're being paid because you truly believe these things.

In the meantime, I am left fighting to have my voice heard over the most prominent black conservative voices because what they say always trickles down to people like myself. If they say something reckless, the rest of us in the box have to deal with the aftermath.

The truth is I hate all of these boxes. They're limiting how we can perceive the world around us. I hate having to qualify my thoughts into a special category of conservatism. I hate having my positions assumed because of someone else's statements simply because they look like me.

This box feels like a coffin at times because it signifies the death of good faith. But I'm not a victim, I knew this box existed, I just don't like it. If expressing myself means that I'll be "blacking wrong", then so be it.

I'm comfortable in my own skin and with my skin.