The American Partisan Manifesto

That's right, I'm always right!

Hi. My name is American Partisan.

My principles are as solid as the Pacific Ocean, I'm humble enough to acknowledge that I'm always right and I am certain that you're either with me or against me.

Here is my manifesto:

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I've been gaining a lot of attention in recent years, so you've probably seen me on various news networks (the ones that are ACTUALLY telling the truth), in your replies giving unsolicited political analysis, or at your Thanksgiving dinner table ruining an otherwise good time.

Due to my notoriety, some of you have been misunderstanding me because of your low IQ but others have inquired about wanting to be more like me (and who could blame you?!) So, I decided to take time out of my busy day of staring in the mirror to talk about my favorite topic: Me!

As a Partisan, I am a natural-born truthseeker, which is why I only listen to people who confirm what I already believe. If you want to be a Partisan like me, it's imperative that you do your own research and ignore all information that contradicts your worldview.

I am a free-thinking individual who is very diligent about conforming to what my side says. We must always think for ourselves to the point of sharing the exact same political perspective.

Being principled is really important to me and I refuse to be a hypocrite like those idiots on the other side unless it can benefit me.

Unlike "them", we believe in having standards that don't shift with the wind; they do change to win arguments though.

For example, I think it's wrong for people to lose their jobs for saying something politically incorrect: that's "cancel culture". However, if I get you fired from your job, that's "consequence culture". If you can't see the difference, well I can't help you!

I think it's a shame that people refuse to get along with me because I share different political views than them. What has this world come to that we can't just agree to disagree? However, if you're voting for them, I will block you on social media and never call you back.

As a Partisan, it's important to paranoically believe you're fighting in an invisible war from the comfort of your air-conditioned home. It's your responsibility, hell, duty to lambast your Facebook friend's birthday post with the wisdom that you gained from political memes.

You might be asking yourself "How do I know if I've gone too far?" and the answer is simple: There is no such thing! If you're going to be a member of the Partisan family, you have to stop doubting yourself and never forget you're always right.

One of the most important things to remember is that they need you. I mean, they didn't ask for you but they don't know what they want anyway. Your supreme intellect and pettiness can't be replaced by those lackluster "moderates" who are always like "Let's be reasonable". F That!

If anyone is going to lead our team, it's going to be us! We are the way (even if we steer you off course), we are the truth (even if we lie) and we are the light (even if we do some pretty dark things).

Being a Partisan does come with its downsides, besides annoyingly always being right. For one, we're often misunderstood and falsely framed by the other side's media. They call us all types of names that are totally unfounded. What a bunch of egotistical bigoted jerks.

The other side unfairly takes one bad thing my side says or does (it pains me to acknowledge this, FYI) and lumps us all together as being exactly like that person. They always make the worst person from my side appear as the example of us all: That's true for them but not for us!

If you've made it this far, it sounds like you're ready to embark on your pathway to Partisanship. So, go out there and rationalize your side's bad behavior, let people know it's different when you do it, and label anyone from your side who dares to slow you down as a traitor.

As long as you're just like me, you'll go really far in the political world. Win or lose, we always win. Welcome to the family!