Why I Stopped Spanking My Child
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Why I Stopped Spanking My Child
Have you ever done something you didn’t actually like doing but you did it anyway? Maybe it was something you just grew up around and it seemed normal but sometimes what’s normal is uncomfortable or disturbing.
I’ve done many things unconsciously because it was a learned behavior that I adapted into my life but I’ve often come to an impasse where my habit to continue what’s unhelpful needed to be overridden in order to improve as a man and as a father.
When my son was born, my concept of approach to being a father was basically becoming what my father wasn’t: present. However, besides being actively involved in my son’s life, I tried to adapt things that I’ve seen from other parents and see what worked; one of those things was implementing spanking.
The topic of spanking is controversial and cultural, especially in black households. I’ve overheard conversations between black parents who’ve witnessed an unruly white child running around terrorizing the people around them and they always know the correct prescription for this type of behavior: “A good ass-whooping”
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I was spanked as a child, although I don’t feel it was too often because I was a relatively good child and typically respected the rules. I was also sensitive as a kid, introverted, and kind of a homebody. I wasn’t out running the streets because I was at home watching TV or talking to friends on AOL Instant Messenger.
But I wasn’t a perfect child and I messed up every so often, which would require discipline. The discipline of choice from my mother was a furious spanking to teach me a lesson. It was what I thought was normal and the consequence if I screwed up, so I braced for impact from a hand or belt and cried from the stress of being hit and yelled at.
If I’m honest, the bigger I got, the less I feared the beatings because it didn’t hurt nearly as much anymore. I was taller than many of my peers and stood over my mother by the time high school came around.
Hindsight is 20/20 and when I focus on my past self, I don’t think I needed to be spanked. A good scolding would have probably done the trick and I would have been upset with myself that I disappointed my mother.
Once I became a father, I understood the importance of discipline because I didn’t want a child who was impolite, terroristic, and didn’t respect authority. We’ve all seen that child who curses out adults and acts like the spawn of Satan; I wanted no part of that.
However, what exactly does discipline look like? Well, in the beginning for me, it included spanking with a small slap on the butt when he wasn’t listening. Why? Well, it’s what I grew up with, isn’t this what you’re supposed to do?
My son was around the age of 3 when I made the decision to do something different and stop spanking him. The more I watched him grow up, the more I saw myself in him. He was a sensitive kid, very intelligent, and from day one a happy baby. I didn’t like the feeling of putting my hands on such an innocent child that doesn’t know any better.
Spanking felt like a shortcut to discipline because it’s easier to hit him on the butt for momentary compliance than to repeatedly communicate with him about why he did something that was wrong and find an alternative punishment.
Let’s say if I was to spank him, I’m 5’11” hitting a tiny child and leaving him crying because I slapped his butt; something felt wrong about that image. I thought about if it was right to hit someone you love and the answer should always be “no” but we somehow make an exception for spanking.
So one day, I made the conscious decision to stop. I didn’t tell my son or anything but I told myself this and I stuck to it. I quickly realized that there were many ways to get him to comply and understand. Yes, it became more work but I found that I had a happier child and he was more willing to listen to me when I was patient with him.
My son will be 18 in October and I can only think of a few times that I even had to raise my voice at him since making that decision. I didn’t have to beat the compliance out of him, he respected me enough to listen to my instructions.
I’m very proud of my son. He’s the child that other adults want at their house to be with their kids. You don’t have to worry about him because we raised him to be respectful of people’s boundaries.
How could I teach him to be respectful of boundaries if I continued to violate his boundaries with my hands? So I stopped.
Why I Stopped Spanking My Child
Having worked with disturbed, out of control children, two things stood out.
First, as you realized with your son, every child is different. Sad as it is, there are some children for whom every form of discipline fails but who respond to a single, stinging smack. I wish it was otherwise, and I think it's uncommon, but such children do exist. I honestly don't know what the answer is for them, since I'm not a fan of physical punishments. But I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit that I've encountered kids who haven't responded to anything less than physical punishment. I've never hit a child, or anyone, but I've seen loving parents use this kind of punishment to good effect when all else has failed.
The second thing I took away from my experience with disturbed children is that the absolute worst thing a parent can do is to be inconsistent in how they treat their child's misbehavior. It was common to see parents who would punish severely for the very same offense that, at another time, they laughed at or let pass. Children absolutely need to know what is out of bounds, and what the result of their misbehavior will be. Even when the parent thinks they're being kind and letting their child off the hook, just this one time, the child has lost the needful certainty as to the result of their behavior. Worse, many learn from this that they can wheedle their way out of responsibility for their actions, and employ these techniques as adults. Too many parents employ discipline in a random way, depending upon their mood at a given moment. This approach to parenting is a real tragedy. For most children, clear boundaries and consistent discipline will avoid ever having to face the question of whether or not to spank a child.
We have 3 children with completely different personalities. The middle one was very easy and was never spanked and didn't require much of any discipline. The oldest was active and headstrong, but after spanking her one time it only increased her stress, so we never did it again and instead would try and wear her out or put her in a restrictive situation. After our easy break with the middle child, the youngest was completely on his own path and after trying every discipline imaginable, we finally sometimes resorted to spanking, but never in anger and only when he was on a path to putting his safety in jeopardy. The rare spanking did work on him. Some children are so determined to go their own way that physical punishment is the only deterrent. Each child is different and I believe parents can adapt their method to fit what works with the child. But one thing is for certain and that is never hit a child in anger. These discussions are wonderful by the way and are things everyone of us can relate to as we learn from each other.