Am I the only one who has experienced great accomplishments and happiness in life, after years of heartache and failure but now struggles not to think about their death? This isn't about suicidality but the opposite feeling, where you're borderline obsessed about maintaining your existence. It's difficult to describe and it's a new feeling that I've been struggling with for several weeks.
Sep 6, 2023·edited Sep 6, 2023Liked by Adam B. Coleman
Adam, you are incredibly insightful and in tune with your thoughts and feelings. If only there were more Adams. However, this intospection is useful only to a point -- when we begin to focus too much on ourselves we turn inward instead of outward; a joy-killer for us and others. Let your blessings flow out out like a river (John 7:38).
Hey Adam, as usual and as other readers have commented, very interesting. Some advice from an old guy if I may be permitted...as the old prayer I'm sure you are familiar with, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, reads..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
That about sums it up. Worry about the things you can control. For most people, myself included, that's enough to keep them very busy, hahaha. And live each day as if it's your last. By that I mean live fully and focus on the things that are closest to you and matter the most. Only you can decide what those are, but don't waste time on things that you assess, at the end of the day, are not truly important or meaningful. That's why I've tried to stop consuming the 24/7 news cycle. I pay enough attention to keep informed as a good citizen should, but don't fixate and obsess as I once did. Most of those things are not important to my relationship with God, my wife, my four children or to my work.
I spent 22 years as an Army officer, including 10 at Fort Bragg jumping out of airplanes. Those sorts of activities are not inherently safe and benign and life could have ended in a moment. I was young and didn't always pay attention to the important things. I wish I had. But with the benefit of age, hindsight and mistakes I realize fully now what is important and what I should spend my time on. Do justice to the things you can control and leave the rest to God.
Keep up the great writing. I'm glad that I found you. Your columns are always deep, thought provoking and interesting.
I think if we are all honest, we've all felt the way you just described. I know I have. I read your title and because I've felt the same way, I did not want to read your article. Live each day as if it were your last by being kind to everyone you meet and loving your beautiful wife. When you wake up the next day live it the way God intended you to live it; with joy, purpose, and vigor. Finally, meditate on these words: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34. You are living a blessed life. Do not live it fearing death. I know; easier said than done....
This is beautiful Adam. I understand what you are saying and similarly, have crossed deep valleys of pain, regret and sorrow, reaching the life I have today: an enchanted and blessed life with my amazing husband. He and I talk often about what he calls the ‘challenges of bliss’. Our society has thoroughly discussed, studied, and written about traversing hardship, but attaining your dreams and living in grace... well, it’s hard to do when so many suffer. But discussing it provides support, and gives others a perspective that can help them find and achieve their dreams. I will pray that you continue to live a long, long time in your dream life, and selfishly, that you continue to share your wisdom with us ❤️
I read recently that it is nearly impossible to be depressed (or in this case irrationally focused) if you focus your thoughts on gratitude. You have shared so very much that you have reason to be grateful for. My thought is that this is a bump in the road that that will become another learning experience that makes you a better man. Prayers are with you.
Reading this post really makes me grieve for you and your family. We all struggle with our mortality, especially when you arrive at the 70's. My greatest joy has been to know that I have a home beyond this life in heaven. Where my Father lives and waits for me. I am going to make a point to pray that you come to know this peace that only comes through Jesus, the Messiah. Praying for you Adam for peace and restoration of the years the past has stolen, that you and your family shoall come to know the saving love of God.
Whether or not you feel or acknowledge it, the work you do and your desire to help others is a reflection of the love of God. The temptation is to reject God by pushing away the idea that he gives you the heart to do this good thing, and instead focus on all that you have. That's where the fear creeps in ... if it's all on you. But it really isn't all on you, the end of life or the living of life. Give thanks to God for the talents and blessings he has given you. Ask him for better health to continue doing what he would have you do and give honor and thanks to him. Maybe then that peace you're looking for will reach you.
Sep 7, 2023·edited Sep 7, 2023Liked by Adam B. Coleman
A very fine piece Adam. Over time, I've come to believe that the depression is in part of way of preventing us from the sweetness you describe - a life which becomes too precious to lose. Also, many of your readers are telling you their faith helps them; I want you to know that if, as myself, you do not have a strong faith, it is still possible to deal with such feelings in a productive and freeing way.
Adam, I love how you write, and so admire your forthrightness and desire to put it all out there. I hope you and your wife are having the trip of a lifetime.
Now about fear...
I’m a recovered alcoholic. I mention that only because your piece is about fear. Step 4 in the 12 Steps is a searching and fearless moral inventory, which includes an inventory of our fears. We write them down. We ask why we have them. We consider what we’ve tried to do to manage, control, or make the fear go away. Inevitably, we see our efforts fail---we still have the fear, right? So we ask, has self-reliance failed us? And always, my answer is yes. I can’t out think or manage my fear; I need God’s help. So I pray, and ask God to remove my fear AND ask Him what He would have me be. And I write down what comes.
Try this method for your fear, see what comes. Put your trust in God and live fully the beautiful life unfolding before you. 🙏❤️
Adam: I have had chronic inherited health problems all my life and have tried to live the healthiest life possible. Two years ago I had an emergency surgery to fix septicemia that arose from a first surgery two weeks before. To make a long story short when the doctor opened me up the second time he said he had never seen that much infection except in a DEAD person. I realized that it was not yet my time to go. So live your best and healthiest life and put the rest in Gods hands.
I have a good life too, and I avoid this sort of thinking by remembering that it does no good to worry about stuff you can't control. Redirect the energy to being appreciative for what you have and looking to spread the joy in that to others. The fact that we all come to an end is unfortunate, but it's just part of the deal. It is best to just accept that and put it out of your mind. If you can't, some therapy might be in order.
You are appreciated and you have achieved a great deal already. We none of us know the hour; but you've probably already built-in provisos for the continuity of the endeavours you've set up. Do you actually want to know or do you just want to worry? If you'd actually sleep better with a rough estimate, doing a health assay thru' your insurance might set your mind at rest. Their business relies on getting those sort of things right: actuarial tables and all that.
If your first response to the suggestion is immediate recoil, you are probably one of the "worried well"; ie most of a doctor's surgery! ;-) I'd suggest it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do and it is what 2/3s of the world would chalk up as a "First World Problem": it might seem frivolous; but it is a genuine, if irrational, anxiety.
I've been bothered on and off about not waking up in the morning myself. It contributes to my insomnia. If you were in the UK I'd suggest seeking out your nearest local 'Mind' affiliate. I'm pretty sure you'll have an equivalent user-run outfit in your state. Way back when I was an mental health activist we had a lot of useful interactions with US-based organisations. Seek such out, you are far from the only one in this boat. Just the face-to-face meeting with similar others and the certainty you are not alone is very therapeutic I've found. The big thing about getting together with others is collectively there is almost nothing we haven't encountered and we generally know what works and what doesn't. If not, we nearly always know someone that does.
Good luck: going off your record already you can beat this with a little help from your friends.
I don’t have any advice for you Adam, just wanted to say what a thought-provoking piece you’ve written here.
Thank you 🙏
I suppose on one level it’s a good problem to have - life’s so good you don’t want it to end.
True but it could lead to you not fully enjoying the journey because you're worried about the ending.
Adam, you are incredibly insightful and in tune with your thoughts and feelings. If only there were more Adams. However, this intospection is useful only to a point -- when we begin to focus too much on ourselves we turn inward instead of outward; a joy-killer for us and others. Let your blessings flow out out like a river (John 7:38).
I'll do my best to
Rely on His power, not yours. Works every time for me. :)
Beautiful poignant essay. I was listening to Ellen Langer's interview with Jordan Peterson. Maybe her new book could be insightful? https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/705365/the-mindful-body-by-ellen-j-langer/
Hey Adam, as usual and as other readers have commented, very interesting. Some advice from an old guy if I may be permitted...as the old prayer I'm sure you are familiar with, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, reads..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
That about sums it up. Worry about the things you can control. For most people, myself included, that's enough to keep them very busy, hahaha. And live each day as if it's your last. By that I mean live fully and focus on the things that are closest to you and matter the most. Only you can decide what those are, but don't waste time on things that you assess, at the end of the day, are not truly important or meaningful. That's why I've tried to stop consuming the 24/7 news cycle. I pay enough attention to keep informed as a good citizen should, but don't fixate and obsess as I once did. Most of those things are not important to my relationship with God, my wife, my four children or to my work.
I spent 22 years as an Army officer, including 10 at Fort Bragg jumping out of airplanes. Those sorts of activities are not inherently safe and benign and life could have ended in a moment. I was young and didn't always pay attention to the important things. I wish I had. But with the benefit of age, hindsight and mistakes I realize fully now what is important and what I should spend my time on. Do justice to the things you can control and leave the rest to God.
Keep up the great writing. I'm glad that I found you. Your columns are always deep, thought provoking and interesting.
Thank you for sharing your story and perspective with me. I really do appreciate it.
I think if we are all honest, we've all felt the way you just described. I know I have. I read your title and because I've felt the same way, I did not want to read your article. Live each day as if it were your last by being kind to everyone you meet and loving your beautiful wife. When you wake up the next day live it the way God intended you to live it; with joy, purpose, and vigor. Finally, meditate on these words: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34. You are living a blessed life. Do not live it fearing death. I know; easier said than done....
Thank you Cecil
This is beautiful Adam. I understand what you are saying and similarly, have crossed deep valleys of pain, regret and sorrow, reaching the life I have today: an enchanted and blessed life with my amazing husband. He and I talk often about what he calls the ‘challenges of bliss’. Our society has thoroughly discussed, studied, and written about traversing hardship, but attaining your dreams and living in grace... well, it’s hard to do when so many suffer. But discussing it provides support, and gives others a perspective that can help them find and achieve their dreams. I will pray that you continue to live a long, long time in your dream life, and selfishly, that you continue to share your wisdom with us ❤️
Thank you. I appreciate the prayers.
I read recently that it is nearly impossible to be depressed (or in this case irrationally focused) if you focus your thoughts on gratitude. You have shared so very much that you have reason to be grateful for. My thought is that this is a bump in the road that that will become another learning experience that makes you a better man. Prayers are with you.
Reading this post really makes me grieve for you and your family. We all struggle with our mortality, especially when you arrive at the 70's. My greatest joy has been to know that I have a home beyond this life in heaven. Where my Father lives and waits for me. I am going to make a point to pray that you come to know this peace that only comes through Jesus, the Messiah. Praying for you Adam for peace and restoration of the years the past has stolen, that you and your family shoall come to know the saving love of God.
Whether or not you feel or acknowledge it, the work you do and your desire to help others is a reflection of the love of God. The temptation is to reject God by pushing away the idea that he gives you the heart to do this good thing, and instead focus on all that you have. That's where the fear creeps in ... if it's all on you. But it really isn't all on you, the end of life or the living of life. Give thanks to God for the talents and blessings he has given you. Ask him for better health to continue doing what he would have you do and give honor and thanks to him. Maybe then that peace you're looking for will reach you.
A very fine piece Adam. Over time, I've come to believe that the depression is in part of way of preventing us from the sweetness you describe - a life which becomes too precious to lose. Also, many of your readers are telling you their faith helps them; I want you to know that if, as myself, you do not have a strong faith, it is still possible to deal with such feelings in a productive and freeing way.
Maybe this means you are clearly on the right track? Much love.
Adam, I love how you write, and so admire your forthrightness and desire to put it all out there. I hope you and your wife are having the trip of a lifetime.
Now about fear...
I’m a recovered alcoholic. I mention that only because your piece is about fear. Step 4 in the 12 Steps is a searching and fearless moral inventory, which includes an inventory of our fears. We write them down. We ask why we have them. We consider what we’ve tried to do to manage, control, or make the fear go away. Inevitably, we see our efforts fail---we still have the fear, right? So we ask, has self-reliance failed us? And always, my answer is yes. I can’t out think or manage my fear; I need God’s help. So I pray, and ask God to remove my fear AND ask Him what He would have me be. And I write down what comes.
Try this method for your fear, see what comes. Put your trust in God and live fully the beautiful life unfolding before you. 🙏❤️
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing this.
Adam: I have had chronic inherited health problems all my life and have tried to live the healthiest life possible. Two years ago I had an emergency surgery to fix septicemia that arose from a first surgery two weeks before. To make a long story short when the doctor opened me up the second time he said he had never seen that much infection except in a DEAD person. I realized that it was not yet my time to go. So live your best and healthiest life and put the rest in Gods hands.
I have a good life too, and I avoid this sort of thinking by remembering that it does no good to worry about stuff you can't control. Redirect the energy to being appreciative for what you have and looking to spread the joy in that to others. The fact that we all come to an end is unfortunate, but it's just part of the deal. It is best to just accept that and put it out of your mind. If you can't, some therapy might be in order.
You are appreciated and you have achieved a great deal already. We none of us know the hour; but you've probably already built-in provisos for the continuity of the endeavours you've set up. Do you actually want to know or do you just want to worry? If you'd actually sleep better with a rough estimate, doing a health assay thru' your insurance might set your mind at rest. Their business relies on getting those sort of things right: actuarial tables and all that.
If your first response to the suggestion is immediate recoil, you are probably one of the "worried well"; ie most of a doctor's surgery! ;-) I'd suggest it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do and it is what 2/3s of the world would chalk up as a "First World Problem": it might seem frivolous; but it is a genuine, if irrational, anxiety.
I've been bothered on and off about not waking up in the morning myself. It contributes to my insomnia. If you were in the UK I'd suggest seeking out your nearest local 'Mind' affiliate. I'm pretty sure you'll have an equivalent user-run outfit in your state. Way back when I was an mental health activist we had a lot of useful interactions with US-based organisations. Seek such out, you are far from the only one in this boat. Just the face-to-face meeting with similar others and the certainty you are not alone is very therapeutic I've found. The big thing about getting together with others is collectively there is almost nothing we haven't encountered and we generally know what works and what doesn't. If not, we nearly always know someone that does.
Good luck: going off your record already you can beat this with a little help from your friends.