I Never Got To Know My Father's Story

How fatherlessness prevents the passing down of life lessons to the next generation

Yesterday I was thinking about how this year I'll be turning 40 and then the next thought I had was it's been about 19 years since I last talked to my father.

He died years ago and with his death left unanswered questions and unachieved experiences for me and his grandson.

The last time I saw my father in person I was 16 years old and I remember feeling strange around him. I think I realized that my father was a stranger to me and it was apparent by his behavior that he had no emotional connection to me.

However, after my son was born, I thought a lot about the possibility of a relationship being built between the three generations. Maybe I could jump-start his interest in being in my life and it would translate into him wanting to know his grandson as well: Wishful thinking.

My father was a tailor who owned his own business and the only number I had was for his shop. I remember getting on the phone with him and hearing his voice asking who this was. I replied "Adam" and with a brief pause I realized I had to fill in the blank by saying "Your son".

Even though our conversation was brief, I don't remember the entirety of what was said because it wasn't memorable. All I remember was how I felt during that call and afterward, which was the same feeling I've had my entire life when it came to him: disappointed.

I was too disappointed to even be angry at him. Our conversation was brief because he didn't seem very interested in talking to me or hearing from me. It felt more like I was disrupting him, meaning whatever he was doing was more important than talking to his son after 5 years.

After reflection, I told myself that I wasn't going to try anymore because it was not my position as the son to establish a relationship. I already tried and if he wants something with me, I'll never deny his phone calls. Unfortunately, he never attempted to reach me.

A separation like I experienced leaves me with more questions than answers about who my father was as a man and all I'm left with to conclude about him is his negative attributes as a neglectful sperm donor. He must have a fuller story that he prevented me from knowing about him.

For example, my father was an immigrant from Trinidad who moved to the United States in his early 30s but that's all I really know about his immigration story. I don't know why he left, how he left, and his hurdles coming to a different nation than from where he was raised.

I'll never know what he experienced as a child with his father. Was he a good father to his other children but neglectful towards us? When did he get married? Actually, how many kids does he even have?

Nearing 40 years old, I understand the importance of passing down this information to our children to prepare them for the world they'll enter on their own. The lessons of failure & success are valuable pieces of knowledge to pass down to our children so they have a better outcome than ours.

It would have been magical to have my son get to have a different type of relationship with his grandfather that I didn't have. To take that picture of my father holding my son for the first time as a baby would have been unbelievable.

But my father is dead and so is his story. The only thing I can do is take what I learned from my father in his absence and not repeat his mistakes.

So, when the day comes and my son has his first child, he won't have to call me: I'll already be there.