Common story. A lot of times, when you do get clarity it comes down to the horrid relationship with our mothers that spurred on the separation.
As a single father of 2 i still believe it’s imperative for men to be mentally healthy over obligations to their children in disruptive traumatic relationships with the mother.
The difference with me is i knew the relationships were garbage and took the kids with me , because i knew their outcomes with the mom would not be as great.
At the end of the day in order to be the men we need to be we just have to get over it , take it as a strengthening experience and move on. I’ve learned so much in my life from negative interactions…. But primarily what i see … is even present fathers are a blight on a lot of people. It’s your reaction to your experiences that make us who we are. Strength is all we have. Jersey in here
Adam - man, you somehow got into my head and wrote what I've thought over the years. Really courageous to share your story. Nearly every single thought, emotion and feeling you described I've had. To this day I still feel a sense of loss and regret at lost opportunity, almost a feeling of emptiness. Among the things you described this stuck out to me..."The lessons of failure & success are valuable pieces of knowledge to pass down to our children so they have a better outcome than ours." The lesson I took from my father was that I would never do to my children what he did to me because I want what you described above...so they have a better outcome than ours...which was what people used to refer to as "the American Dream." My children do better than I did. And feeling "on my own," despite an awesome mother to whom I owe everything, was something that I wasn't going to allow my kids to feel. So I worked very hard to provide for them and be there for them, as much as my Army career allowed. And for the most part I was and the drive to do that came from my father, and for that I'm grateful.
Thanks again for sharing this with your readers. You're still on that hitting streak you started quite a while back. Keep it up!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story as well. You're right, there is something you can learn from every circumstance if you're willing to. His absence makes me more determined to speak on these issues from the perspective of the child who endured it. I want healthy fathers to be involved in their children's lives...that's my main objective.
I just got home after a Bible study and the first thing I read was this. As I get to know the people in your study, I am struck by the amount of suffering that seems to be a part of everyone’s life, especially in the form of broken relationships with family members. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no avoiding suffering coming your way. The only power that each of us have is to try to not cause suffering in others, and to try and be an instrument of love, stability and peace in whatever way possible. I think that given the age that you became a father it is so admirable how you have gone forward. Not many people in your shoes would have been able to do that. You have changed the course of this branch in your family, and your experiences as a father and then hopefully as a grandfather will be so much richer. Your father missed so much in not knowing you! What a treasure he missed! But, miraculously, you will not miss that joy of relationship with your son. Sometimes, negative role models are the most powerful role models.
"The only power that each of us have is to try to not cause suffering in others, and to try and be an instrument of love, stability and peace in whatever way possible."
Breaking Generational curses is the most important work we can do.
Absolutely
Common story. A lot of times, when you do get clarity it comes down to the horrid relationship with our mothers that spurred on the separation.
As a single father of 2 i still believe it’s imperative for men to be mentally healthy over obligations to their children in disruptive traumatic relationships with the mother.
The difference with me is i knew the relationships were garbage and took the kids with me , because i knew their outcomes with the mom would not be as great.
At the end of the day in order to be the men we need to be we just have to get over it , take it as a strengthening experience and move on. I’ve learned so much in my life from negative interactions…. But primarily what i see … is even present fathers are a blight on a lot of people. It’s your reaction to your experiences that make us who we are. Strength is all we have. Jersey in here
I agree
Bravo. My father was not quite as absent as yours, but almost. All we can do is to do better.
Exactly
Adam - man, you somehow got into my head and wrote what I've thought over the years. Really courageous to share your story. Nearly every single thought, emotion and feeling you described I've had. To this day I still feel a sense of loss and regret at lost opportunity, almost a feeling of emptiness. Among the things you described this stuck out to me..."The lessons of failure & success are valuable pieces of knowledge to pass down to our children so they have a better outcome than ours." The lesson I took from my father was that I would never do to my children what he did to me because I want what you described above...so they have a better outcome than ours...which was what people used to refer to as "the American Dream." My children do better than I did. And feeling "on my own," despite an awesome mother to whom I owe everything, was something that I wasn't going to allow my kids to feel. So I worked very hard to provide for them and be there for them, as much as my Army career allowed. And for the most part I was and the drive to do that came from my father, and for that I'm grateful.
Thanks again for sharing this with your readers. You're still on that hitting streak you started quite a while back. Keep it up!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story as well. You're right, there is something you can learn from every circumstance if you're willing to. His absence makes me more determined to speak on these issues from the perspective of the child who endured it. I want healthy fathers to be involved in their children's lives...that's my main objective.
Thank you for the encouragement and support!
I just got home after a Bible study and the first thing I read was this. As I get to know the people in your study, I am struck by the amount of suffering that seems to be a part of everyone’s life, especially in the form of broken relationships with family members. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no avoiding suffering coming your way. The only power that each of us have is to try to not cause suffering in others, and to try and be an instrument of love, stability and peace in whatever way possible. I think that given the age that you became a father it is so admirable how you have gone forward. Not many people in your shoes would have been able to do that. You have changed the course of this branch in your family, and your experiences as a father and then hopefully as a grandfather will be so much richer. Your father missed so much in not knowing you! What a treasure he missed! But, miraculously, you will not miss that joy of relationship with your son. Sometimes, negative role models are the most powerful role models.
"The only power that each of us have is to try to not cause suffering in others, and to try and be an instrument of love, stability and peace in whatever way possible."
YES
What incredible perspective; it would be so easy to be bitter and angry. Your son is very fortunate to have you for a father. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you 😊
What a really moving post! So thoughtful. I'm restacking it.