Sometimes early in the morning or while I'm driving alone in my car, I think about my journey from lost agnostic to a believing Christian.
A decade ago, anxiety overwhelmed me, but now, thankfully, I am baptized and at peace with Jesus at my side.
I wasn't necessarily searching for God because I didn't think I was important enough for him to acknowledge, even if he existed. Looking back, I had unresolved abandonment issues stemming from my childhood, causing me to feel like rejection was inevitable, even if God was real.
In my mid-20s, I was tired of lying to people when I claimed to be a Christian when I wasn't at heart. It felt like the thing to say, but in my heart I knew it wasn't genuine. I constantly asked myself what I believed in and the answer kept coming back to "I don't know".
I was more comfortable telling the people around me that I was a man without an answer than portraying a belief that I didn't possess. Coincidentally, this was a time when I was suffering from panic attacks and agoraphobia.
Almost daily, I was battling fear responses and constantly anxious, even for minor situations. I was out on leave from my job and when I felt scared to leave my house, I knew something was extremely wrong, causing me to seek help immediately.
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Years later, I would embark on my first solo international trip for two weeks, which almost completely got rid of my anxiety and it was like my life finally became open to greater possibilities than it was years prior in constant isolation.
That was when everything started to change from two supernatural experiences, one being approached an evil demonic force and another being touched by what I now know as the Holy Spirit.
Retrospectively, these moments happened when I started freeing myself from the shackles of anxiety, first leading to me being approached by a demonic entity in darkness as I heard it eerily say my name.
Less than a year later, I was touched by the Holy Spirit and relieved of all my grief as I placed my hand on my aunt's casket to lay her body to rest. It was an unexplainable gift that I received that I never told anyone about, allowing me to celebrate her life with my family.
What I believe now was that there was a battle for my soul and God won. A tug-of-war for my soul resulted from years of living in abject fear and battling suicidal thoughts, as I had been misled into believing my life was purposeless.
Some troubled children and adults show their grief externally by vocalizing their anger or choosing violence to express their frustration. However, my battles were always internal, which is why most of the people in my life would have no idea how much I was dealing with.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry out of thankfulness for God intervening in my life and preventing me from doing something that I would immediately regret. By the grace of God, I was given peace in my life and air to breathe a new life of happiness.
Although I stopped looking for God, he never stopped reaching out to me. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. God pulled me away from the darkness and made me Born Again into a Christian with a purpose.
I am thankful for Christians like
and for helping me literally take the plunge and making a lifelong commitment to Christ.I am no longer ruled by fear and uncertainty. I am at peace. I am immensely thankful.
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