One of the most damaging phrases that adults tell themselves is that "children are resilient" as a rationalization for divorce & other detrimental actions decided by the adults around them. But they're not special creatures who are uniquely resilient; adults break them often.
This is not unique to current generations. Divorcing parents have been screwing up their children for several generations. My idiot late first wife decided she wanted to be single and screwed up our children and herself. The children are overall successful but they have issues. (She drank herself to death.) My current wife is a child of divorce and she has issues. One of my nephews is going through a terrible divorce now. I fear for the four children. Divorce destroys
Well stated and SO on point. I am 61 years old and my parents divorced when I was nine years old. I can still remember the day they sat my brother and me down to give us the news. We watched our father walk out the door, the divorce was his choice. Things were never the same.
Your work is inspiring and I am thankful that you followed the call to write. Thank you.
"One of the most damaging phrases that adults tell themselves is that "children are resilient" - tbh ive only heard this from mothers who fail to realize their choices have deep consequence . barely ever have heard a father utter such obliviousness
and yes.... i always say if the kid is bad at a early age (especially up to 10) ... its the parents fault completely and utterly. people always try and remove blame from parents to soften the ego blow. But, even if its the environment, its up to parents to make a move and change the game
"You'd need to believe that your children are resilient because you'd be a monster if you knew the damage you're about to cause and still continued with it." This sentence sadly sums it up perfectly. Unfortunately, when the vibe is the nuclear family is a dated concept, it is easy to believe it is irrelevant. One might even convince oneself that it is regressive to children. At my son's public school in a well-to-do enclave, I was stunned at all the switching around of partners - like a swinger's party.
While I was being a bit sarcastic, the numbers were more than can be counted on one hand and those were only that I knew. I minded my own business and only learned when the gossip was old. Anyway, your point is obvious. Parents need to deceive themselves that their children are resilient. To acknowledge one is acting selfishly to the determinant of others is an act most of us avoid.
I don’t have to read the entire article to see your point. Just a few paragraphs.
Even after I have matured enough in my adult life, there is still a void in me. My mother not wanting to talk to me, my dad not spending enough time with me or constantly pestering me with advice, has had and still has a major effect.
At least my grandmother did what she could. So did my dad and stepmom. But they just did the things that the typical child without emotional baggage needs.
I lived through that. I know exactly what he’s saying just from a few paragraphs. Divorce damages a child’s mind. But so does seeing your parents yell at each other, and abuse one another, if they don’t break up.
So gutsy and so true. My mother (also a depression baby as was another commenter) and she said that when she cried to her mother about my dad, her mother said “go wash the floors and clean the house. You’ll feel better. He’s a good man” When I met the man who would be my husband, and it was starting to get serious, I told him that I wanted a man who was in it for the long haul and would fight to stay together. His parents had almost divorced and he knew the pain of that. 40 years married and we are still going strong. Passion is a feeling, love is a choice.
Very well said. Our society took the (natural) desire for freedom and liberty to mean lack of responsibilities and instead a chase for pleasure, always and always. So sad.
Gabor Maté suggests (correctly, I think) that addiction -- regardless of the narcotic -- is a coping mechanism we invoke to deal with unresolved childhood trauma.
I had this conversation many times with my ex-wife before she left "to be free". Ten yeas on, we have two f*cked up kids, one who went from an A student to "a problem" student who may no finish high school, the other, decided at 14 that they/them, was/were trans and demanded to start cross sex hormones. Message to my beloved: "I hope it was worth it".
I think you will find a lot of insights in her work, both books for a larger audience and many specialized articles in the psychiatric scientific literature
Very well written, thank you. I am 53 years old, my parents divorced when I was 8, and it was absolutely terrible for my brother and me. Ours wasn't even a particularly 'difficult' divorce, but it was still the death of a childhood and family you thought you had. Can't tell you how many times I heard my mom say "it's OK, kids are resilient". We weren't. I never thought I would have kids, but when my wife convinced me to take a leap into parenthood, my only condition was that we could never get divorced once we had kids - I could just never put another kid through that. (our kids are now in their 20's and we are still married) And I hate the rationalization I often hear that kids are 'better off' not being stuck in a home with parents who fight all the time - as if the only choices are divorce or being in a miserable home. Seems like there is a third choice that involves parents sucking it up and making a better home for their kids.
This is not unique to current generations. Divorcing parents have been screwing up their children for several generations. My idiot late first wife decided she wanted to be single and screwed up our children and herself. The children are overall successful but they have issues. (She drank herself to death.) My current wife is a child of divorce and she has issues. One of my nephews is going through a terrible divorce now. I fear for the four children. Divorce destroys
Well stated and SO on point. I am 61 years old and my parents divorced when I was nine years old. I can still remember the day they sat my brother and me down to give us the news. We watched our father walk out the door, the divorce was his choice. Things were never the same.
Your work is inspiring and I am thankful that you followed the call to write. Thank you.
I'm sorry you went through that
I'm 63 and my father also demanded a divorce when I was 9 years old. He left our mother and 5 children after 13 years of marriage.
"One of the most damaging phrases that adults tell themselves is that "children are resilient" - tbh ive only heard this from mothers who fail to realize their choices have deep consequence . barely ever have heard a father utter such obliviousness
and yes.... i always say if the kid is bad at a early age (especially up to 10) ... its the parents fault completely and utterly. people always try and remove blame from parents to soften the ego blow. But, even if its the environment, its up to parents to make a move and change the game
I agree.
"You'd need to believe that your children are resilient because you'd be a monster if you knew the damage you're about to cause and still continued with it." This sentence sadly sums it up perfectly. Unfortunately, when the vibe is the nuclear family is a dated concept, it is easy to believe it is irrelevant. One might even convince oneself that it is regressive to children. At my son's public school in a well-to-do enclave, I was stunned at all the switching around of partners - like a swinger's party.
That's wild
While I was being a bit sarcastic, the numbers were more than can be counted on one hand and those were only that I knew. I minded my own business and only learned when the gossip was old. Anyway, your point is obvious. Parents need to deceive themselves that their children are resilient. To acknowledge one is acting selfishly to the determinant of others is an act most of us avoid.
'a pain that never goes away'; Adults need to bear the pain instead.
Wow. This has been my experience.
I see this a lot with parents who party, and then let the kids party along with them. Adolescent behavior that doesn’t end.
Horrible examples of parents.
I don’t have to read the entire article to see your point. Just a few paragraphs.
Even after I have matured enough in my adult life, there is still a void in me. My mother not wanting to talk to me, my dad not spending enough time with me or constantly pestering me with advice, has had and still has a major effect.
At least my grandmother did what she could. So did my dad and stepmom. But they just did the things that the typical child without emotional baggage needs.
not reading the whole article is wild lol
I lived through that. I know exactly what he’s saying just from a few paragraphs. Divorce damages a child’s mind. But so does seeing your parents yell at each other, and abuse one another, if they don’t break up.
So gutsy and so true. My mother (also a depression baby as was another commenter) and she said that when she cried to her mother about my dad, her mother said “go wash the floors and clean the house. You’ll feel better. He’s a good man” When I met the man who would be my husband, and it was starting to get serious, I told him that I wanted a man who was in it for the long haul and would fight to stay together. His parents had almost divorced and he knew the pain of that. 40 years married and we are still going strong. Passion is a feeling, love is a choice.
Very well said. Our society took the (natural) desire for freedom and liberty to mean lack of responsibilities and instead a chase for pleasure, always and always. So sad.
Gabor Maté suggests (correctly, I think) that addiction -- regardless of the narcotic -- is a coping mechanism we invoke to deal with unresolved childhood trauma.
This is a lovely and insightful column. It's all true.
Thank you
"We are the sum of our childhood and the outcomes of our parents’ choices."
Outstanding Insight!
I had this conversation many times with my ex-wife before she left "to be free". Ten yeas on, we have two f*cked up kids, one who went from an A student to "a problem" student who may no finish high school, the other, decided at 14 that they/them, was/were trans and demanded to start cross sex hormones. Message to my beloved: "I hope it was worth it".
Damn...I'm sorry. I hope that things can turn around for them.
@Coleman, are you familiar with the work of Judith Wallerstein?
I am not actually
I think you will find a lot of insights in her work, both books for a larger audience and many specialized articles in the psychiatric scientific literature
Very well written, thank you. I am 53 years old, my parents divorced when I was 8, and it was absolutely terrible for my brother and me. Ours wasn't even a particularly 'difficult' divorce, but it was still the death of a childhood and family you thought you had. Can't tell you how many times I heard my mom say "it's OK, kids are resilient". We weren't. I never thought I would have kids, but when my wife convinced me to take a leap into parenthood, my only condition was that we could never get divorced once we had kids - I could just never put another kid through that. (our kids are now in their 20's and we are still married) And I hate the rationalization I often hear that kids are 'better off' not being stuck in a home with parents who fight all the time - as if the only choices are divorce or being in a miserable home. Seems like there is a third choice that involves parents sucking it up and making a better home for their kids.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, people always forget the third option because it involves swallowing your pride.