Fatherlessness is often framed by the media as being a black issue but it's a much deeper issue. Because of this, there is a demographic of children whose stories never get heard as it's inconvenient to the oppressed/oppressor narrative: they're white
Your compassionate words deeply resonate with me. As someone who's faced the challenges of a troubled childhood and made my own mistakes, your perspective strikes a chord.
Thank you for highlighting the importance of seeing humanity in everyone, despite our flaws and differences. Your courage in sharing your story inspires us to confront divisive messaging and work toward healing and unity.
I believe those who've endured troubled childhoods can break the cycle and reunite families. Your commitment to this cause renews my determination to be the best version of myself and contribute to a brighter future.
On point, as usual. I was one of those white kids who grew up in a home without a dad.. mostly. My stepdad, who raised me, was also present intermittently. Fortunately, my uncle was there for me, and provided the inspiration and support I needed. Without him, I doubt I would have become a physician and father. I now volunteer with children, and my current situation involves two white boys who have neither parent, and it’s heartbreaking.
This is wonderful and you are 100% correct. It is a family and economic problem, not a racial problem. I say this as a white person whose dad left when I was 12, and I never saw him again. It is hard to look back and remember getting my coat stolen and not having the money to get a new one. Or being on welfare and having the teacher pass out the free lunch tickets to me in front of the whole class. But I was lucky to have a strong mother, and it was a temporary situation. Many are not as lucky as I was.
It took us tens of thousands of years to climb up from living in trees and caves. Any civilization that has progressed and flourished was built around having a firm bond between a child's mother and father.
In the 1960's, Democrats replaced fathers w/ free stuff. I agree with you Adam, this didn't affect only black children while leaving white children untouched. But let's not kid ourselves. It was targeted at black families. Lyndon B. Johnson told his white segregationist fellow politicians, y'all go with me on placating these Negroes, and we'll have 'em voting Democrat for the next 200 years. Except LBJ didn't say "Negroes", he used that other N-word.
Some fact-checkers dispute this, but Johnson was well-known as being crude and profane, even in mixed company. It's laughable he refrained from using a slur.
Back to the main point- Nobody talks about this, the single greatest source of the problems plaguing our society. If one had god-like powers, and could wave a magic wand to make a single change that would bring the greatest improvement in people's lives, it would be to make it so that every child is raised in a stable, loving home with a mother and a father.
But we don't want to shame anybody. Even cowardly Republicans have been cowed from ever bringing it up.
Growing up on my tribe’s reservation, we were surrounded by little white towns where the poverty levels and social problems were equivalent to ours. I knew white kids who were far more poor than I was. Some of them lived on our reservation. Some of them married into my family.
I know there are plenty of dads who just can’t find the gonads to show up for their kids, and plenty of single moms making excuses for MIA dads, too.
There’s another significant piece to this story, and that is punitive throwback family court prejudice that limits fathers’ access to their children in two ways.
One, directly, by making visitation as awkward, occasional, and unnatural as a prison visit. Two, indirectly, by impoverishing dads to the point that they can’t afford to do anything for or with their children, even when time permits.
There are, in my thumbnail estimate, literally millions of dads fretting their child’s most vulnerable years away under one or both of these burdens.
When was the last time you got a yellow alert that wasn’t about some hopeless father trying to flee with his non-cohabiting child? I’ve been close to that insane over my son many times.
If we want dads to pull their weight with their kids, we might try financial fairness, equal access, and an end to the medieval punishment mindset all too common in divorce court.
This was a great post, thank you Mr. Adam Coleman, you're absolutely right that this is an issue of culture and that we should treat it as such, and try to heal the breach.
But how to do so? Government isn't the solution they'll only muck it up so that it is a complicated thing, we should have incentives in society for mothers and fathers to stay together, we should get rid of the divorce-mafia and put emphasis on the importance of family.
It may not be much, but there is a reason I try to hold up family as the most important and beautiful thing people can aspire to in some ways in my stories. Because, we need to change the culture so that people once more are surrounded by myths about good fathers, loving mothers and supportive siblings. All must do their part to reconstitute the family as a unit and put a stop to this madness that has become part of the system.
Even if it's not much, we all must try to help one another, and try to change and help those who have been broken by the current system.
There are so many facets to this issue. The most notable to me is the idea that a child is a "burden."
Think about the lingo that surrounds children in some cases like a "keep a n*gga baby." It's considered a cultural norm for women to somehow magically get themselves pregnant to stay with a man. The flip side to that is the men who say, "That bish is going to have to figure it out on her own. She knew that we were just f*cking." Rinse and repeat.
Of course, there's the abortion issue -- which is entirely based on the fact that having a child is a burden. You can sugar coat it all you want, but that's really what it all boils down to.
Then there's the issue where men and women are constantly playing strange games with each other -- like something out of a damn Cosmo magazine. For the love of God, why would anyone take a freaking test to find out what kind of man or woman they should be with!?
I know what the fix for all of this is. People have to stop looking at everything in life as a utilitarian situation -- where there is no right or wrong, there is only what's beneficial or non-beneficial.
Marriage ain't easy, you have to make it work. To pretend that arguments or fights won't happen is unrealistic. Cosmo told you that you just need to find the right person, and your whole life will be like "Leave It to Beaver" or one long beer commercial -- but it's not.
I know how we get back there too. But most people don't want to hear it. It's getting back to God. Left to humans, morals will always devolve to the lowest common denominator. Consensus and morality don't mix. It's nice to think that they do, but they don't. History is a pretty good guide when it comes to this issue.
Thank you for this piece. the number of kids not raised with a dad in the home is becoming higher in every people group, and the effects are hitting us as a nation. It's rampant in my friend groups and in my own family and the children are obviously affected in a myriad of ways
Amen to this. I do some genealogy and am surprised by so many generations of my ancestors and my husband’s ancestors who were raised by their mothers. Even in rural Iowa at turn of century men just walked away from their girlfriends and families. But today as in every night I have been praying to Saint Joseph for help for my own brother who was incarcerated last October. He was first-born son and got the brunt of father’s intolerance and absence from home due to career. Saint Joseph as “foster father” knows something or two about how to be a true father.
White kids are more likely to have a father serving in the military and not able to be at home. My father spent two years in Vietnam and a few more on various Air Force bases learning to fly new planes. We moved 17 times by my 18th birthday. It’s a good life if you want to learn that everyone is disposable and everyone always goes away in the end.
Adam,
Your compassionate words deeply resonate with me. As someone who's faced the challenges of a troubled childhood and made my own mistakes, your perspective strikes a chord.
Thank you for highlighting the importance of seeing humanity in everyone, despite our flaws and differences. Your courage in sharing your story inspires us to confront divisive messaging and work toward healing and unity.
I believe those who've endured troubled childhoods can break the cycle and reunite families. Your commitment to this cause renews my determination to be the best version of myself and contribute to a brighter future.
With gratitude, Jerry
Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words. Stay determined!
On point, as usual. I was one of those white kids who grew up in a home without a dad.. mostly. My stepdad, who raised me, was also present intermittently. Fortunately, my uncle was there for me, and provided the inspiration and support I needed. Without him, I doubt I would have become a physician and father. I now volunteer with children, and my current situation involves two white boys who have neither parent, and it’s heartbreaking.
Thank God for your uncle. Thank you for your work as well.
This is wonderful and you are 100% correct. It is a family and economic problem, not a racial problem. I say this as a white person whose dad left when I was 12, and I never saw him again. It is hard to look back and remember getting my coat stolen and not having the money to get a new one. Or being on welfare and having the teacher pass out the free lunch tickets to me in front of the whole class. But I was lucky to have a strong mother, and it was a temporary situation. Many are not as lucky as I was.
This. "We're humans: race need not apply." Wonderfully expressed. Just as important, if race does apply, we're all in the same one: HUMAN.
You speak truth with such clarity. This is such a significant message. Thank you for sharing it for all to see.
Thank you as well!
It took us tens of thousands of years to climb up from living in trees and caves. Any civilization that has progressed and flourished was built around having a firm bond between a child's mother and father.
In the 1960's, Democrats replaced fathers w/ free stuff. I agree with you Adam, this didn't affect only black children while leaving white children untouched. But let's not kid ourselves. It was targeted at black families. Lyndon B. Johnson told his white segregationist fellow politicians, y'all go with me on placating these Negroes, and we'll have 'em voting Democrat for the next 200 years. Except LBJ didn't say "Negroes", he used that other N-word.
Some fact-checkers dispute this, but Johnson was well-known as being crude and profane, even in mixed company. It's laughable he refrained from using a slur.
Back to the main point- Nobody talks about this, the single greatest source of the problems plaguing our society. If one had god-like powers, and could wave a magic wand to make a single change that would bring the greatest improvement in people's lives, it would be to make it so that every child is raised in a stable, loving home with a mother and a father.
But we don't want to shame anybody. Even cowardly Republicans have been cowed from ever bringing it up.
Growing up on my tribe’s reservation, we were surrounded by little white towns where the poverty levels and social problems were equivalent to ours. I knew white kids who were far more poor than I was. Some of them lived on our reservation. Some of them married into my family.
Loved this. We are humans. We all have need for a family. Doesn’t matter what color we are.
Exactly. Thank you for reading this.
I know there are plenty of dads who just can’t find the gonads to show up for their kids, and plenty of single moms making excuses for MIA dads, too.
There’s another significant piece to this story, and that is punitive throwback family court prejudice that limits fathers’ access to their children in two ways.
One, directly, by making visitation as awkward, occasional, and unnatural as a prison visit. Two, indirectly, by impoverishing dads to the point that they can’t afford to do anything for or with their children, even when time permits.
There are, in my thumbnail estimate, literally millions of dads fretting their child’s most vulnerable years away under one or both of these burdens.
When was the last time you got a yellow alert that wasn’t about some hopeless father trying to flee with his non-cohabiting child? I’ve been close to that insane over my son many times.
If we want dads to pull their weight with their kids, we might try financial fairness, equal access, and an end to the medieval punishment mindset all too common in divorce court.
So well said; thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My pleasure.
Great post and thank you. I have made similar points and been accused of being a privileged, whining racist simply because I'm a white guy.
This was a great post, thank you Mr. Adam Coleman, you're absolutely right that this is an issue of culture and that we should treat it as such, and try to heal the breach.
But how to do so? Government isn't the solution they'll only muck it up so that it is a complicated thing, we should have incentives in society for mothers and fathers to stay together, we should get rid of the divorce-mafia and put emphasis on the importance of family.
It may not be much, but there is a reason I try to hold up family as the most important and beautiful thing people can aspire to in some ways in my stories. Because, we need to change the culture so that people once more are surrounded by myths about good fathers, loving mothers and supportive siblings. All must do their part to reconstitute the family as a unit and put a stop to this madness that has become part of the system.
Even if it's not much, we all must try to help one another, and try to change and help those who have been broken by the current system.
There are so many facets to this issue. The most notable to me is the idea that a child is a "burden."
Think about the lingo that surrounds children in some cases like a "keep a n*gga baby." It's considered a cultural norm for women to somehow magically get themselves pregnant to stay with a man. The flip side to that is the men who say, "That bish is going to have to figure it out on her own. She knew that we were just f*cking." Rinse and repeat.
Of course, there's the abortion issue -- which is entirely based on the fact that having a child is a burden. You can sugar coat it all you want, but that's really what it all boils down to.
Then there's the issue where men and women are constantly playing strange games with each other -- like something out of a damn Cosmo magazine. For the love of God, why would anyone take a freaking test to find out what kind of man or woman they should be with!?
I know what the fix for all of this is. People have to stop looking at everything in life as a utilitarian situation -- where there is no right or wrong, there is only what's beneficial or non-beneficial.
Marriage ain't easy, you have to make it work. To pretend that arguments or fights won't happen is unrealistic. Cosmo told you that you just need to find the right person, and your whole life will be like "Leave It to Beaver" or one long beer commercial -- but it's not.
I know how we get back there too. But most people don't want to hear it. It's getting back to God. Left to humans, morals will always devolve to the lowest common denominator. Consensus and morality don't mix. It's nice to think that they do, but they don't. History is a pretty good guide when it comes to this issue.
Thank you for this piece. the number of kids not raised with a dad in the home is becoming higher in every people group, and the effects are hitting us as a nation. It's rampant in my friend groups and in my own family and the children are obviously affected in a myriad of ways
Amen to this. I do some genealogy and am surprised by so many generations of my ancestors and my husband’s ancestors who were raised by their mothers. Even in rural Iowa at turn of century men just walked away from their girlfriends and families. But today as in every night I have been praying to Saint Joseph for help for my own brother who was incarcerated last October. He was first-born son and got the brunt of father’s intolerance and absence from home due to career. Saint Joseph as “foster father” knows something or two about how to be a true father.
White kids are more likely to have a father serving in the military and not able to be at home. My father spent two years in Vietnam and a few more on various Air Force bases learning to fly new planes. We moved 17 times by my 18th birthday. It’s a good life if you want to learn that everyone is disposable and everyone always goes away in the end.