Why I’m Not Replying to My Old Socialist Friend
I don’t want to be anyone’s avatar to blame for all their political woes
A week ago, I received a text message from someone I was friendly with years ago. He is a self-proclaimed socialist and someone I met back when I used to be a Democrat.
It wasn’t a negative text—just a casual “How have you been?” Because of our last interaction, I haven’t replied.
When we met several years ago, we were part of a group of left-leaning friends I genuinely liked at the time. It wasn’t always about politics. Many times, we just discussed life.
However, COVID and the George Floyd riots made them even more radical and unbearable—especially since I wasn’t having the same social panic attack they were.
One of the people in the group was someone I used to spend holidays with and talk to on the phone all the time. Suddenly, because I asked where the “15 feet” recommendation from Fauci came from, I became deserving of ridicule and disrespect.
Despite the fact that our relationship had been built on questioning things, they all became extremely dogmatic. I refused to follow suit.
One of the friends in this group posted on Facebook that Trump told Americans to drink bleach to get rid of COVID. I thought that was so insane that I wanted to see it for myself. Of course, Trump never said that.
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When I called him out on it, he acknowledged that Trump didn’t say it—and then proceeded to block me.
I bring all of this up because this small group of lefty friends eventually dwindled to just one person who was still willing to talk to me, despite my willingness to question things and change my opinions.
In 2021, I published my first book, Black Victim to Black Victor, and I told him about it. It could be seen as controversial, but he seemed superficially receptive. I figured that was better than him shunning me before even attempting to read it.
It was either late 2021 or early 2022 when we decided to meet for lunch. I don’t remember the meal, but I do remember the need to talk about politics the entire time.
It’s hard to explain, but he’s one of those people who argues with you through a smile and a laugh, yet it doesn’t feel playful. It wasn’t a terrible encounter, but I didn’t entirely enjoy it. I felt like I was constantly being put on the defensive or dragged into topics I didn’t care about.
I thought maybe it was because we hadn’t hung out in a while. Not long after that meeting, we had a phone call, and the same feeling returned.
I’m not argumentative, and frankly, I don’t like arguing about politics. I’m not a debater, and I have no interest in fighting with people over things I have zero control over.
Even worse, I absolutely despise when people put words in my mouth or make assumptions about me. I don’t remember everything from that call, but one thing he said really bugged me:
“Your boy, Tucker.”
That bothered me because I didn’t watch Tucker Carlson’s show. I had never brought him up, and I wasn’t even particularly fond of him. So why did he make that association?
It was because he had placed me in a box. Because I asked questions and pushed back against certain narratives for my own personal reasons, I must be a strident Republican and the right-wing caricature he could mock.
Then I remembered how he used to talk about the Republicans he knew in his life. He would tell me how they were all racist and “what they really think.”
He placed me in a box instead of seeing me as an individual with logical reasons for what I believe.
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He wasn’t inquisitive about me—he was assumptive. That statement made me want to end the call early, especially combined with his tendency to go on and on about politics in search of a debate.
I haven’t replied to him, not because he’s a socialist, but because my instincts tell me he sees me as a fool and a punching bag. I can already picture him jumping straight into talking about Trump and putting me in a position where I’m expected to defend him—despite not caring about it at all.
We should be able to have friends with varying viewpoints, but sometimes those people aren’t really your friends. You’re just a diversity avatar for the politics they hate.
I’m not one for ghosting people, but I haven’t talked to this person in a long time for a reason. I don’t feel the need to force disrespectful people into my life.
I don’t want to be anyone’s avatar to blame for all their political woes. Despite being in the political world, I don’t like talking about politics with people I care about.
So, I’m not replying. I’d rather protect my peace of mind and move toward people who like me for who I actually am, instead of who they unfairly associate me with.
Thanks Adam. This piece really spoke to me. I’m English btw.
A couple of things.
On the bleach front, I have noticed that a regular reply when you point out Trump hasn’t actually said the ‘something’ you were literally just told he definitely said, is just a shrug, and the line ’Well it’s the sort of thing he would say’.
And secondly, I’ve experienced a similar thing to ‘Your boy Tucker’.
Here in England I get ‘Your guy Farage’. Don’t get me wrong. I like some of Farage’s policies but I’ve never expressed a preference for him or Reform in conversation. I prefer to talk about specific policies, or issues. But the tendency is to immediately
‘Lump me in’ with all the perceived ‘baddies’.
That way it is easier to dismiss any points I make as simply illegitimate.
There’s loads more I could say on all this, but I’ll leave it there.
Anyway. Great piece. 👍
Thank you so much for writing this Adam, it is very helpful. Many feel justified in having and treating others contemptuously if we don’t get in line. In my case, it’s been family, and my daughter (a mid thirties) who cut me out which makes things very tricky. Thank you for putting into words how I feel while still being able to keep it in proper perspective. I often think about writing my daughter to tell her how I feel, while still framing it as “we disagree”, not “you are bad and I am good”. I also would not turn people away just because they are socialist. However, dialogue is not allowed, and only people with the accept viewpoints are allowed to speak, it is very disrespectful, and people start thinking they can treat you with contempt, then it’s not nice anymore.